Everything went black

"Everything went black" I thought when I was on my way to lunch today and saw the clouds thicken until the first sharp raindrops fell on me, soaked me (just like all the last days...)
"Everything went black" is the title of the famous BLACK FLAG release containing several pre-Rollins record sessions which I ordered some time ago and should arrive these days, finally. I need some more soundtrack to my film noir life.
"Everything went black" turned out to be a perfect header for this post...
Nothing more to say today. Some days are simply very dull and sullen.

Crashing down again

Crashed down again after a weekend of high rise. Being on tour with a band is so much fun. Being a bunch of people traveling together, all squeezed into a van with big amps, empty bottles and dirty clothes. The atmosphere is sweaty, dull and exhausted. Occasional stops to have a pee or a cigarette. Arrival at a place where lots of hippie/punk/metal folks are sitting outside, drinking. We set up the gear in the corner of the room, tune, have the first beers, get fed by the local crew, then start to thrash our songs for half an hour. We`re all hardhitting, headbanging, bodyshaking, screaming out, going nuts. Then it`s the end of the set, we`re all soaked due to stage action and massive light heating up everything. Calm down again, have some more beers (and water! At least I lose 2-3 litres of water, am thirsty as hell and pop down two bottles in a row), talk to people, eventually party a bit until we sink down in our sleeping bags. Get up early the next morning because it has to continue. Short breakfast, coffee, no shower, back on the road to the next city. Hundreds of kilometers of concrete lines, Johnny Cash tunes in the radio...

Unfortunately, there are things happening like the motor breaking down or traffic jams which eat all the time windows that were intended in order to have some time to relax outside the van. Fuck, on Friday night, 19:00, the Yellow Pages have no use at all since nobody`s at his office any more. You have to improvise... have the impression we improvise more than any Free Jazz combo, though not musically, of course...

Now back to work. Hope I survive these days. It is so much harder when the difference to a life on the road like this weekend is so much more visible to me.

Annihilate this week

Rain pouring down, soaking after a while. Don`t care nevertheless since it`s the beginning of the weekend. No work, no stress, no being bossed around, no being put down, no being pulled under, no nothing negative.

Instead there will be smile, friendly laughter, booze, party, relief, falling into the big nothing that I wish to be swallowed by as soon as possible. Or flying away into spheres that I cannot imagine during the endurement of a usual working day. Away. Away.

Found SLEEP`s "Holy Mountain"as a CD in the net today, not really cheap though, but definitely a record worth its bucks. Slow, deep, monotonous, droning, drug-influenced, oscillating, halluscinating, mindblowing are adjectives to describe their feaver dreams. Plain doom metal on the stoner edge of it. Friendly evil. An invention at time of its release in 92. The blaupause for today`s heavy stoner sludge such as ELECTRIC WIZARD or BONGZILLA. Don`t know what happened to them after they released their monolithic "Jerusalem" album. Lost in space, hidden behind walls of dope smoke. Lost... such as me...

Drinking Black Coffee

Found one of my favourite BLACK FLAG lyrics:
"Who are you with, where have you been
Imagination turns thoughts, reason can't change
Staring at the walls, think I know what I see
Anger and coffee, feeling mean
Drinking black coffee, black coffee,
Drinking black coffee, staring at the wall
Stab through my heart, stab through my heart, stab through my heart
But its all in my mind, just in my mind
My heart is pounding, as stare at the wall
Its my turn to be jealous, now I don't stand for it all
In fact I'm pretty stupid, I'm feeling small
Anger and coffee, feeling mean...
If the night goes on, paranoia adultery
Why should I be so stupid, when I can't really see
The other side of the wall, is eating away at me
Anger and Coffee, feeling mean..."
Priceless song, priceless lyrics, priceless band, although at least the album has a price ... currently trying to get the BLACK FLAG catalogue together. As a teen punk I didn`t understand their power, compared to the likes of MINOR THREAT or NEGATIVE APPROACH - it was so...hm... "rock". But nowadays their "rock" songs destroy me so much! They mirror daily life in all its misery, and the "rock" aspect underlines this negativity. Let alone this guitar sound, so mean and dirty. Whoa...
After all I have to admit that I can`t stand black coffee out of a filter coffee machine. A french press or a mocha is something different of course, when there is an actual taste, but the fist-in-your-face-taste of German bullshit coffee out of a machine is way too disgusting. I need a drop of milk in there... I`m not Rollins, haha...

Autumn twilight

24.08.2004
End of August, and it`s autumn already. Dizzy, yellow-golden light, dark atmosphere, early dusk. I`m expecting fog already. I make myself warm tea. I`m tearing myself back into the cave. Back into the warm darkness. I wish I could crawl back into the womb where I came from once. Maybe that is the hidden meaning of male sex?

That was summer?

Guess why there hasn`t been an update during the last two weeks...
The sun was shining and I was trying to catch as much as possible of the sun`s positive energy. Lying around in the park, swimming in the lake, sitting in the evening sun, having some beers... life could go on like this FOREVER!
Unfortunately, the clouds are coming back these days. Seems like summer is over this year. Back to normality, back to miserability, back to everything which is...
...nothing...

Strange day

Got up much too early due to heat, cutting sunlight and droning noises from the construction site on the street below... too little sleep can be a drug, too...
Then read two mags/newspaper, both with very personal content. First, a review of my band`s first demo - and not a bad one! Feels good to read someone else is having fun with my art. Second a portrait of a lobbyist in Berlin who works in a job that I was applying for half a year ago. If I was now there... less problems, I guess... who knows... again, I feel like a leaf in a storm, being blown in any direction without almost any influence where the ground is touched.

New week, new times

Sun and summer have finally arrived. Blue sky instead of grey clouds. Endorphines are set free. The skin burns and to this moment, it feels good. As good as the sweat from the heat smells... Coming to life, growing like a plant, raising towards the energyproviding mythical power in the sky, the golden burning goddess. Again, how weak must a human be to be so dependent from his surroundings?