The daily storm

Internet dumbfools we are

2004-09-15T16:16:00.001+02:00

Sometimes, when I surf around to see other blogs or sites, to get some inspiration, I feel so disgusted at sight of the misery that I see behind it. Loneliness, uncapability to communicate, unability to simply enjoy something, just the web existence... makes me sad... and I have to admit that somehow I`m no better... I`m also sitting here in front of a computer typing this text instead of lying on my bed with my wife, enjoying being together. Sad world that is. Life in a freezer.

My war - finally!

2004-09-14T17:32:00.001+02:00

Finally received BLACK FLAG`s "My war" on vinyl! After years of listening to it on a crappy tape copy with lots of noises and scratches I have it in modest quality. A must-have record. One of the few that one should own. An essential.

It is one of the most influental records of the 80s. So many later movements started with this record, so many style codes evolved from it, so many riffs got stolen from that one. Punk bands started growing hair after that. Hardcore bands dared listening to metal, tuning their guitars down, developing some chops. Tempo was allowed to be slowed down to some BLACK SABBATH extent.

At this moment, I`m stuck on the B-side, the start of nowaday`s grunge and sludge. Heavy blues with emotional, strapped down singing in top of it, droning evil. Depressing harmonies, dissonant guitar solos - a pure torture to listen to, but a damn good catharsis, too! I`m glad I have it! As said - an essential!

Swallowed

2004-09-10T16:05:00.001+02:00

Sitting in front of the monitor, a Iiyama ProLite E431SIiyama ProLite E431S. Been drunk yesterday evening, which means I`m not too well today anyway. Been caught riding my bike - drunk and crossing a red traffic light... have see how much they are goint to charge me...

Sitting there staring at the square field in front of me, focussing some point beyond it all. Suddenly it seems like the display is moving around me, leeches me, sucks me, and finally swallows me. Swallowed into a computer. My material being dissolves. My body deforms. I feel like I have to go home soon and take a deep sleep...

Hollow thoughts

2004-09-08T17:22:00.001+02:00

Sitting there, staring at a white wall in front of me (above the monitor), no precise thoughts possible. Empty skull. Empty head. Empty brain. Empty me. Empty. Shallow. Hollow.

No ups, no downs today, just a steady boring ongoing. Nothing in particular. Just it. It.

Does it mean I am becoming an ordinary citizen? Don`t want that. I don`t want to become that dull. Not without reason. I don`t want this kind of steadyness. I don`t want to lose kicks.

>(Gotta get some action) NOW!

Understand we`re fighting a war that we can`t win

2004-09-07T17:10:00.001+02:00

Been asked if I was a "c-striker". At first I didn`t know what it was at all. Then - of course, the game Counter Strike - if I was playing this kind of computer game. Well, nope.

I`m playing my music half seriously, I`m corresponding to some people that I like (not too many, but enough to keep me busy...), I like to read, not at last I like spending time with my girlfriend (bride soon!) - no time left to sink into virtual reality shootings.

Besides, my life already feels like being under fire constantly. Mobbing, harrassment, stressing, yelling, all that shit - I don´t need more of this. I`m glad to have discovered some things that are out of an atmosphere of constant struggle. No counter striker.

End of the summer again

2004-09-06T17:09:00.001+02:00

So lovely warm outside. Makes me wish to sit somewhere on the lake, in the sun, swimming from time to time, but mainly enjoying the sunbeams on my skin. Instead I have to work inside the office... next time I meet God I will tell him not to create anything like work again!!!

Looking forward to go out tonight, seeing a concert, drinking a bit, and all in the resting warmth of a late summer`s evening. Looking forward so much...

My babe has got a notebook since three days. None of us knows how to use it really. Need a driver and some software. Smells like work again. Work, work, work...who needs it?

Hope is just a four letter word

2004-09-03T17:07:00.001+02:00

Still friendly warm vampire sun - inviting to sit in the evening, have a few beers, smoke something and enjoy some good tunes. HAWKWIND come to my mind. Space rituals, journeys to strange points in and outside, weird imaginations, ecstacy... or maybe KYUSS - down to the ground droning guitars, no trembles, just bass, the perfect sound to watch the sun die on the horizon. The moment of the day to come to peace with oneself, to accept the irrelevance of the own existence, to let it all go and flow... or rise high... whatever. Hope to keep up a bit of this feeling for next week. But then again, hope is just...
It`s weekend now, again. Feels good! Have nice time, you all. (Whoever reads this - nobody, I assume... cheers!)

Vampire Sun

2004-09-02T15:44:00.001+02:00

Today it seems like the "old women`s summer" has started - in Germany we call this the time of the year when summer turns to autumn with mild, yellow sunshine. The time of the year when little moist spider webs shine like soft grey hair in the dawning sun. Actually a nice season if it wasn´t leading to cold, wet and dark nights in October and November...

Actually, the sun reminds me of the backcover of a CATHEDRAL MCD called "Hopkins - The Witchfinder General" where the band is posing on a graveyard against the light of dusk. And the term "Vampire sun" which is the opening title of their album "The Carnival Bizarre" fits terrificly good to this day.

"Vampire sun it burns you..."

Coffee and Cigarettes

2004-09-01T10:43:00.002+02:00

Went to the Jarmusch film yesterday evening. Lots of strange people drinking coffee (or occasionally tea) and smoking cigarettes...

Liked the monochrome atmosphere of the pictures and some of the episodes, but have to admit that it has lenghts - after a while I asked myself if it would stop soon. Anyway, better than any of the so-called blockbusters.

Talking about coffee: I`m dreaming of a power coffee maker, mocha style, of course. Would be so wonderful. Additionally I wouldn`t have to work, and life would be a paradise. Just sitting there, writing (blogging?), having a good coffee from time to time, smoking a cigarette for simple pleasure, doing something creative...

Everything went black

2004-08-31T18:01:00.001+02:00

"Everything went black" I thought when I was on my way to lunch today and saw the clouds thicken until the first sharp raindrops fell on me, soaked me (just like all the last days...)
"Everything went black" is the title of the famous BLACK FLAG release containing several pre-Rollins record sessions which I ordered some time ago and should arrive these days, finally. I need some more soundtrack to my film noir life.
"Everything went black" turned out to be a perfect header for this post...
Nothing more to say today. Some days are simply very dull and sullen.

Crashing down again

2004-08-30T09:44:00.001+02:00

Crashed down again after a weekend of high rise. Being on tour with a band is so much fun. Being a bunch of people traveling together, all squeezed into a van with big amps, empty bottles and dirty clothes. The atmosphere is sweaty, dull and exhausted. Occasional stops to have a pee or a cigarette. Arrival at a place where lots of hippie/punk/metal folks are sitting outside, drinking. We set up the gear in the corner of the room, tune, have the first beers, get fed by the local crew, then start to thrash our songs for half an hour. We`re all hardhitting, headbanging, bodyshaking, screaming out, going nuts. Then it`s the end of the set, we`re all soaked due to stage action and massive light heating up everything. Calm down again, have some more beers (and water! At least I lose 2-3 litres of water, am thirsty as hell and pop down two bottles in a row), talk to people, eventually party a bit until we sink down in our sleeping bags. Get up early the next morning because it has to continue. Short breakfast, coffee, no shower, back on the road to the next city. Hundreds of kilometers of concrete lines, Johnny Cash tunes in the radio...

Unfortunately, there are things happening like the motor breaking down or traffic jams which eat all the time windows that were intended in order to have some time to relax outside the van. Fuck, on Friday night, 19:00, the Yellow Pages have no use at all since nobody`s at his office any more. You have to improvise... have the impression we improvise more than any Free Jazz combo, though not musically, of course...

Now back to work. Hope I survive these days. It is so much harder when the difference to a life on the road like this weekend is so much more visible to me.

Annihilate this week

2004-08-27T15:55:00.001+02:00

Rain pouring down, soaking after a while. Don`t care nevertheless since it`s the beginning of the weekend. No work, no stress, no being bossed around, no being put down, no being pulled under, no nothing negative.

Instead there will be smile, friendly laughter, booze, party, relief, falling into the big nothing that I wish to be swallowed by as soon as possible. Or flying away into spheres that I cannot imagine during the endurement of a usual working day. Away. Away.

Found SLEEP`s "Holy Mountain"as a CD in the net today, not really cheap though, but definitely a record worth its bucks. Slow, deep, monotonous, droning, drug-influenced, oscillating, halluscinating, mindblowing are adjectives to describe their feaver dreams. Plain doom metal on the stoner edge of it. Friendly evil. An invention at time of its release in 92. The blaupause for today`s heavy stoner sludge such as ELECTRIC WIZARD or BONGZILLA. Don`t know what happened to them after they released their monolithic "Jerusalem" album. Lost in space, hidden behind walls of dope smoke. Lost... such as me...

Drinking Black Coffee

2004-08-25T16:58:00.001+02:00

Found one of my favourite BLACK FLAG lyrics:
"Who are you with, where have you been
Imagination turns thoughts, reason can't change
Staring at the walls, think I know what I see
Anger and coffee, feeling mean
Drinking black coffee, black coffee,
Drinking black coffee, staring at the wall
Stab through my heart, stab through my heart, stab through my heart
But its all in my mind, just in my mind
My heart is pounding, as stare at the wall
Its my turn to be jealous, now I don't stand for it all
In fact I'm pretty stupid, I'm feeling small
Anger and coffee, feeling mean...
If the night goes on, paranoia adultery
Why should I be so stupid, when I can't really see
The other side of the wall, is eating away at me
Anger and Coffee, feeling mean..."
Priceless song, priceless lyrics, priceless band, although at least the album has a price ... currently trying to get the BLACK FLAG catalogue together. As a teen punk I didn`t understand their power, compared to the likes of MINOR THREAT or NEGATIVE APPROACH - it was so...hm... "rock". But nowadays their "rock" songs destroy me so much! They mirror daily life in all its misery, and the "rock" aspect underlines this negativity. Let alone this guitar sound, so mean and dirty. Whoa...
After all I have to admit that I can`t stand black coffee out of a filter coffee machine. A french press or a mocha is something different of course, when there is an actual taste, but the fist-in-your-face-taste of German bullshit coffee out of a machine is way too disgusting. I need a drop of milk in there... I`m not Rollins, haha...

Autumn twilight

2004-08-24T17:41:00.000+02:00

24.08.2004
End of August, and it`s autumn already. Dizzy, yellow-golden light, dark atmosphere, early dusk. I`m expecting fog already. I make myself warm tea. I`m tearing myself back into the cave. Back into the warm darkness. I wish I could crawl back into the womb where I came from once. Maybe that is the hidden meaning of male sex?

That was summer?

2004-08-18T14:29:00.000+02:00

Guess why there hasn`t been an update during the last two weeks...
The sun was shining and I was trying to catch as much as possible of the sun`s positive energy. Lying around in the park, swimming in the lake, sitting in the evening sun, having some beers... life could go on like this FOREVER!
Unfortunately, the clouds are coming back these days. Seems like summer is over this year. Back to normality, back to miserability, back to everything which is...
...nothing...

Strange day

2004-08-03T12:11:00.000+02:00

Got up much too early due to heat, cutting sunlight and droning noises from the construction site on the street below... too little sleep can be a drug, too...
Then read two mags/newspaper, both with very personal content. First, a review of my band`s first demo - and not a bad one! Feels good to read someone else is having fun with my art. Second a portrait of a lobbyist in Berlin who works in a job that I was applying for half a year ago. If I was now there... less problems, I guess... who knows... again, I feel like a leaf in a storm, being blown in any direction without almost any influence where the ground is touched.

New week, new times

2004-08-02T17:59:00.000+02:00

Sun and summer have finally arrived. Blue sky instead of grey clouds. Endorphines are set free. The skin burns and to this moment, it feels good. As good as the sweat from the heat smells... Coming to life, growing like a plant, raising towards the energyproviding mythical power in the sky, the golden burning goddess. Again, how weak must a human be to be so dependent from his surroundings?

Wednesday - little relief?

2004-07-28T15:08:00.000+02:00

Wednesday, 28.07.2004
Seems like it`s getting a little better. A hint of summer has come this morning - the sun shines, makes it a little warmer as yesterday und enables me to produce enough serotonine not to feel as bad as yesterday. Work is slightly more fun today.
Hope this is not only a little grain against the big grey rock of the other days. I wish I could have fun again...
Strange to be a biomechanic organism, dependent on external factors like small water drops between me and the sun. I don`t want to be a machine!

The new nihilism

2004-07-27T18:09:00.000+02:00

EVERYTHING IS NOTHING is the place where I will try to put down general statements about being miserable - don`t even bother to check it out, haha...

Tuesday downsize

2004-07-27T15:03:00.000+02:00

Tuesday, 27.07.2004
Weather is still not as it should be. Cloudy sky, low temperature, grey atmosphere...
Have to set up and try to think of any action that might fuel me despite of these negative conditions - something to look forward to, like a good meal, like getting drunk, like meeting someone...
But again, there is just coffee in here to raise my blood pressure which is near comatose. Life slowed down to an almost unrecognizable frequency...
I want summer, I want sun, I want warmth, I want laughter, I want life!!!!

Tuned down, turned out...

2004-07-26T15:13:00.001+02:00

Monday, 26.07.04
Monday sucks anyway - weekend`s over, been to short, back to work...
Today`s even worse - cloudy and foggy weather, low temperature, rain, depressive atmosphere, pressing me down to earth, into the earth, makes me sink into the ground. Feeling pushed into the chair, unable to make conversation, unable to follow other`s thoughts, hanging on to mine which circle around warmth, the darkness and peace of sleep, eternal sleep. Getting tired and sleepy. Coffee won`t help it, doesn`t wake up, just makes nervous.
Sitting in the office, having to read through websites like dvd-player - it is the job to register those... counting the minutes until this day is over and I`m able to sink into dreams of a summer that hasn`t come yet and probably won`t come this year. Let`s see what tomorrow brings..